How to Be a Safe Friend When Someone Is Struggling

Elena Zanfei
Jun 24
3 min read

Updated: Jun 26

The difference between trying to fix someone… and helping them heal.

Have you ever had a friend like Erica?

Erica has a problem.

And it’s not new.

It has been lingering for years, quietly draining her confidence, joy, and energy.

She’s in a dead-end job where she feels completely unseen and undervalued.

She knows she’s qualified to do more. Not only that, but she even talks about finding a new opportunity.

But when it comes to taking action, something always holds her back. She questions...

“What if I can’t find something else?”

“What if I leave and it’s no better?”

“What if I lose my seniority and regret it?”

Her fear of the unknown is stronger than her disappointment, so she talks herself out of finding a solution. Tells herself, “It’s not that bad”, and stays.

And the truth is… it hurts.

It hurts to feel stuck.

It hurts to know you’re meant for more but feel frozen by fear.

Now, meet her friend Monica.

Monica is one of Erica’s closest friends, and she hates seeing Erica stuck.

So every time the topic comes up, Monica jumps in with a solution.

“You’ve got to just start applying.”“You’re wasting your talent.”“If you don’t do something soon, you’re going to burn out.”

Monica means well. She really does. However, her frustration is evident, and Erica senses it. Instead of feeling encouraged, Erica feels… small, judged, and ashamed that she hasn’t already fixed this. She starts dreading this conversation with Monica, and eventually, she stops opening up altogether.

Then there’s her friend Sue.

Sue also sees Erica’s potential. She knows her friend is brilliant. She knows she deserves more. But Sue also understands something that Monica doesn’t:

Until Erica believes she’s worthy of more…No external advice will really land.

Sue knows that change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. That people don’t stay stuck because they’re lazy or clueless. They stay stuck because they’re scared. Because they’ve been conditioned.

Because there are layers to their resistance, and those layers have stories attached.

So instead of giving advice, Sue listens.

Sue holds space and nods with compassion. She says things like, “That sounds really hard,” and “What’s the part that scares you most?”

Sue doesn’t try to fix it. She just sits with it.

She might gently ask questions that open a little window.

“What would feel like the safest next step?”“If you knew it would all work out, what would you do?”

But she never pushes.

She reminds Erica that she’s worthy, no matter how long it takes. She reminds her that fear is a natural part of being human, and growth is a personal journey. And most of all… she lets Erica know she’s not alone.

And here’s what happens…

Erica starts to feel a shift.

Not because someone told her what to do, but because someone gave her the space to feel what she already knew… and the courage to claim it in her own time.

She begins to believe in her worth. Not because she was convinced. But because she was loved through it.

The deeper truth is this:

From the outside, where emotions aren’t tangled up, it always seems like the decision is easy. But from the inside, where wounds and fears and years of conditioning live… It’s anything but.